Birth date and location unknown. The Grandmaster was first seen by human eyes in the ice caps of the Antarctic singing to a waddle of penguins. It is said that his screams provided the penguins with the warmth they required to survive the winter. While the band searched for a new singer all over the world, they discovered The Grandmaster Funk in a pub in Abercwmboi singing in another man’s face by the urinal. It is said the man’s lost his nose, left ear and half his hair in the incident.
Once described as ‘the voice of a nation’ by the Cynon Valley Leader, and ‘a bit of a twat’ by his mother, this baby-faced scream machine has now joined the annals of the boogie.
When the world was young and innocent, in a time before the 1980's, Olaf Ulay, Chechnyas finest yachtsman, stumbled upon an uncharted island, whos native population's only connection with the outside world was the washed up wreckage of a cruise ship some years ago, which consisted of a gramaphone, a collection of early Parliament and Funkadelic recordings and an infant child. This child was brought up learning the ways of the tribe while simultaneously learning all about the P-Funk.
It was at that point Olaf took the now mature castaway as his own and returned him to civilisation.
Since then this displaced creature has wandered the world playing with many different artists and struggling to FUNKtion in todays society until meeting up with the now legendary SPIRIT OF BOOGIE.
If the Scarlet Pimpernel and Where’s Wally had an illegitimate love child, then it would spend the rest of its life searching for Sly Stoned. Somebody once asked online search engine Jeeves to find Sly back in 2006, unable to cope with his failure in this impossible task he drank himself into an early grave later that year. Sly’s illusiveness knows no bounds and his rhythmical capabilities no limits. Some say his percussive prowess is attributed to the fact he’s able to shape shift into a variety of forms, summoning forth additional limbs from the void (or groovesticles as he calls them) to cope with the intricacy of the beat. However, this is highly unlikely and I’m unsure who started that ridiculous rumour, he’s probably just a decent drummer who knows what he’s doing.
A being of simple pleasure, Sly spends his time sampling the finest brews our fair valley has to offer. At the end of a long day he likes to relax the good old Jamaican way: a warm glass of milk and early to bed.
Conceived as a forbidden lovechild between Man and Tangerine and bore of a mother with a condition the exact opposite of scurvy, Tango Fields had a more than interesting start to life. The Great Tapestry had big plans for the young Master Fields however, as by sheer coincidence he would end up in the fruitbowl of none other than Grover Washington Jr. For almost a decade he sat at the bottom of the Magic Man's bowl, soaking up the zesty jams which were laid down daily until his passing. Armed with his years of aural observation and an alto he nicked whilst the Washington family were distracted with funeral arrangements, he set out in search of a funk outfit willing to accept his seeds...
Such is the intricacy and mysteriousness of Tango's style; some speculate that he is able to channel the forces of groove directly into his iris which in turn visually materialises itself into the perfect melodic line for that specific moment, as though it were willed by the Grand Overseers of Funk themselves. Others suggest “he hasn't learnt the song and is just bloody making it up as he goes along”.
The most notable facet of Rufus is that he only plays his guitar while sleeping. He can be regularly heard shouting "I ain't gettin' on no stage - fool". This can cause the band problems due to the volume of their P.A. system.
Fortunately Rufus likes a glass of warm milk before a gig. Martini Alan is always there to stroke his hair and slip a few valium in the milky beverage to ensure the Boogie doesn't go on without their lead axe.
Unlike most, Lee was not actually born but is the triumphant result of stem cell research into growing a "very" fully grown bass player direct from a thumb - in order to get the best funk sound possible. Against all odds this lucky thumb now has a fully opposable person attached to it!
Whilst growing in the lab he was bitten by a radioactive Larry Graham which means when he is exposed to an audience he flies into uncontrollable funk. Alas the sheer power of his radioactive glow means he is unable to be captured on any photographic medium. Sources also report that he is rather fond of "the little Caribbean pasty things you get in the co-op".
When he was knee-high to a grasshopper this black juice came out on a hard-shelled chin and they called that 'tobacco juice'. His entire room absorbed every echo, opaque melodies that would bug most people, music from the other side of the fence. The long hallway rolled out into oddball odd, beside a fly-pecked black doorway, up a wrought iron fire escape. A black swan figurine lay on all-colour lily pads. He wished he had a pair of bongos - BONGO FURY!
Some says he's a man's man, some that he's a woman's man, there are those who say he's both, but most agree that he's neither. But don't say that to his face D.J. ExtraordinHAIR has done porridge for ABH, GBH and BBH. This giant Amazonian heshe is a formidable figure regardless of his/her sex.
Jezzac is a true skolar, but occasionally he prefers a strongbow. Jezz had a fascination for the Funk while he studied classical music at the Blaengwawr school of music. He found himself at a cross roads after meeting musician Willie "One-Eyed" Brown. Together they set out on a quest for the lost song of Parliament.
Their journey ultimately lead them to their location in Abercynon (a rural crossroads in the middle of nowhere), where Willie Revealed his ultimate secret: his musical ability came about because of a deal made with the devil at this very location.
After being magically transported to the local school's music hall Jezz had to save Willie's soul by duelling Steve Vai on the trombone. Fortunately Steve Vai couldn't play the trombone and Jezz easily won and Willie's essence was freed. Magically they found themselves transported to Mississippi, where they start walking the long road back to Aberdare.
"Bubs came out blowing rasberries.... and it just kinda progressed from there really" says Bubs Momma when interviewed at the New Orleans All Funked Up Awards last year. "He'd blow into his thumb all the time, and school complained he was really very distracting for the other children. I had to take him to a child psychologist! The Dr told me... 'Mrs Gums, there's nothing wrong with that there boy, but there's something you should know...he's a trumpet player... and he needs a trumpet' I was so relieved I rushed right out and got him his very first trumpet that very same day".
Bub L. Gums has never been parted from his trumpet, not even for a second... which has caused him many problems, but because of his dedication and pure resolve Bubs has earned himself world acclamation. Miles Davis once had the opportunity to play along side Bubs a couple of years before he passed away quoting the experience as "Funkaaay!".
The son of a preacher man, but not quite following in his fathers footsteps. Rev Willy Wah Wah turned his back on the Lord, proclaiming Music to be his religion, Funk his church and his unstoppable wailing guitar to be his sermon. Leaving both his pure existence, and his church issue trousers on the alter behind him, The Rev Willy Wah Wah has funked the path less travelled in his bright red trousers of love, devoting his life to preaching 'The Funk' to all far and near.
Rev Willy Wah Wah quotes a highlight in his life as being when Wild Cherry wrote their infamous 'Play that Funky Music White Boy' for him in 1976.
Everyone knew that the Reverend would sink his teeth into anything that took his fancy, and nobody in the Boogie ever seemed to question as to why, in fact they all found it to be quite an endearing quality in him.
Then one fateful night, during a gig in Cardiff’s Full Moon club, the Reverend transformed into a beast which could only be described as half man and half wolf. His behaviour however remained the same which suddenly made a remarkable amount of sense. Unlike most werewolves who eventually revert to their human form, he just kind of stayed like that.
Getting tired of watching him drag his backside across the stage and finding chewed plastic bottles of squash in the microphone box, the collective decided to retire the hound from active Boogie duty. Unable to bring themselves to call the local animal shelter, the band decided to keep him chained up in the practice room and take turns feeding him.
But don’t worry, we left the air conditioning on and he’s listening to a CD of his favourite band.
Steel Jelly, a wild man.
Carribean beats, he can.
Roots in Reggae, born was he.
Now a funk master, you'll see.
Ever an advocate for animal rights and social justice, Steel became increasingly alarmed at the mistreatment of The Reverend soon after his lycanthropic transformation at the hands of some of the band’s members. “There’s only so many cans of lager and slices of gammon a half-man half-wolf can be expected to consume!” he protested.
One night, under the cover of darkness, Steel broke into Boogie HQ and hoodwinked The Reverend into the boot of his (Mazda) Bongo. There they escaped and embarked on an academy award winning journey directed by Ridley Scott, where they met a variety of zany characters such as young Brad Pitt and that guy from Pulp Fiction.
Alas, all good things must come to an end. The Reverend had eaten a significant amount of people during the trip and as a result the duo found themselves surrounded by the local authorities at the top of The Darren. Realising that things had gone far enough, and that The Reverend probably belonged in a zoo, Steel prepared to give himself up. Unfortunately, at that exact moment, The Reverend who now had a taste for human flesh, sunk his teeth into Steels right knee, jarring his foot into the accelerator pedal in the process. The Bongo flew off the edge of the mountain in slow motion, nobody knows if they survived because they never showed that part in the film.
Originally a top secret result of genetic engineering by L'oreal Paris's "Funky Shizzle" division, The Fresh Prince of Aberdare is neither male no female, a being of pure groove existing only for your Boogie pleasure. Discovered on the Neath roundabout clutching a picture of Curtis Mayfield and weeping softly, he was picked up by The Boogie Bus, given a wash and a quick once-over, and now uses his powers for good: as the voice of the Boogie.
Upon realising his anus chlamydia had contracted super crabs after one spicy encounter too many with Spirit of Boogie's enamoured fans, The Fresh Prince turned to the internet for a cure where he discovered a mad scientist who owned a 'Purification Lodge' located somewhere in the Colombian jungle who promised to cure him.
Left with little choice, The Fresh Prince sent Dr. Falso the last of his savings and boarded the next plane to Latin America with hope in his heart and an itch in his pants. Unfortunately the whole thing turned out to be a complete scam and The Fresh Prince lost his mind and went on a machete rampage throughout the country. He was finally tracked down and is now serving 32 years in a Guatemalan prison.
In the words of Bill Withers (written for CC)
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
It's not warm when he's away.
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And he's always gone too long
Anytime he goes away.
Alas, the prophecy of Sunshine's fate as told by Bill Withers did indeed come to pass. The collective eventually found out what CC stood for, it was 'Couldn't Cope'.
Unable to deal with living in South Wales any longer, CC left for the magical land of sunshine and rainbows known as Brighton.
Born in the deepest jungles of Africa, Jive, the son of a witch doctor, lives to dance. The rhythm of the universe pumps through Jives veins. His cosmic soul sores to the beat of the funk.
We're not dancing, Jive has to beat his drum. The drums, the drums, the sound of the drums. Ever present, grooving, moving, one man in motion. A man with devotion - devotion to the funk.
Jive T Urkey left to enter into the incredibly high flying business of investment banking after receiving an incredible once in a lifetime opportunity by email from a Nigerian prince. He gave all his Boogie royalties to him and his family and hopped on the next boat.
He has not been seen since.
Dr Funkenstein fled to Argentina, people who believe conspiracy theories think he's been experimenting with the funk ever since. Reports of babies born with the knowledge of rhythms from the deepest P-Funk cuts have been rife for years.
Jazz Daddy P became a alpaca farmer and moved to the preseli mountains. He became a recluse who would only be tempted off the mountains by the allure of cider and loose women.
It's said if you stand on the summit of Foel Eryr on a clear summer day you can still hear the spirit of boogie being carried on the breeze from JDP's mountain cave.
Tiberius left after finding out the ever amorous Count Funkula fathered a love child with my ex wife.